Things I Wish I Didn't Know - Volume 1: Cosplay

Published: 2006-02-01

I'll openly admit to being kind of a geek. However, there are certain levels of geekdom that I will never understand. The other day I was on a web site about the Zelda series and saw the "cosplay". It wasn't being used in a context where I could infer the meaning so I decided to do a little search for it.

Big mistake.

"Cosplay" apparently refers to dressing-up like a video game character, fairy (the mythical kind), or anime character. What they do once in costume is beyond me. They probably claim it's for some gaming fantasy but I suspect it's actually to screw. Any time adults put on a costume it's for some sexual reason.

I only perused one page of Google results but it seems that the Final Fantasy series is well represented. The costumes themselves range from almost-hot:

To highly-disturbing:

I could have happily lived the rest of my life not knowing people did this.

I guess this shouldn't surprise me. Adults dress-up for things like Star Wars premiers and renaissance fairs. I even went through a phase where I liked to dress like Superman and Batman, of course I was 5 at the time. I think an active imagination is a very healthy thing but a loose grip on reality is not. The people into these dress-up games are leaning towards the latter (at least the ones going out in public dressed like Squall Lionheart and/or posting online photos of themselves doing so). If you're doing this kind of thing in the privacy of your home for some kinky reason that's cool and all, other people really don't want to see it though.

If you really must get into "cosplay" then maybe you should consider a costume that can be worn in public without drawing attention. This way you can enjoy the fantasy and not worry about being chased and beaten by a group of jocks. Here are some suggestions:

Pitfall Harry

Pitfall Harry - A basic ensemble that won't stand out. No one will know you're secretly in search of gold bars, diamond rings, and bags of money. Shaved head is optional.

Sewer Sam

Sewer Sam - You'll fit in at any blue-collar bar while pretending you're on a quest to rid waste tunnels of alligators and submarines.

Ryo Hazuki

Ryo Hazuki - A simple outfit that's perfect for working in a warehouse or practicing karate in an empty playground. I'd recommend skipping the band-aid though. I think Nelly wore that look out a few years ago.

Casino Kid

Casino Kid - A nice-looking suit always makes a good impression.

Gillian Seed

Gillian Seed - No one will ever suspect you're hunting for evil robots disguised as the people they've killed. Although they may try to hire you to keep tabs on their wife when she goes to her weekly "scrapbooking party", the ones where she always comes back smelling like the guy that works behind the counter at Gold's Gym.